Why do we insist on talking ourselves down? Negative self-talk can be very destructive. Thrive coach Philippa Saunders has some ways to turn it around

Who has been the most critical person in your life? Think back through your life about parents, teachers, friends…

This is a trick question, as by far the most critical person in your life is you. The person who puts you down most, is you. The person who puts limits on your hopes and ambitions is you. In fact, you probably do more damage to your own self-esteem, and your ability to deal with stress than EVERYONE else in your life put together!

How you talk to yourself has a huge influence on your mental health. When I say, talk to yourself, it’s not just what you say out loud, it is more what you are saying to yourself in your head, what we call your ‘inner voice’.

Great British Life: Be careful how you talk to yourself, because you are listeningBe careful how you talk to yourself, because you are listening (Image: getty)

How you feel about you has a huge impact on how you see life. If you’re filling your head full of unhelpful self-talk, saying things like: “I should have done this… I didn’t do that……I can’t do that”, you’re going to start believing that it’s true and then you create more and more unhelpful thoughts as a result. This negatively affects your self-esteem and to have good mental wellbeing, your self-esteem needs to be as high as possible.

For one hour of the day, start to pay attention to how you’re talking to yourself, that ‘inner voice’ of your own. If you say to yourself: “It’s going to be a great day today”, what does your inner voice say? When you say: “I’m going to do that job I’ve been putting off for ages”, what does your inner voice reply?

Chances are your inner voice is not as helpful, caring or supportive as you’d like and expect it to be. It can be a nasty surprise to realise how your mind has become used to thinking negatively, but a pleasant surprise to recognise that you can change this quite with some awareness and practice.

Ways to change our self-talk

Here are examples of some unhelpful things that you might say to yourself, and some ways you can change them into something more positive.

Instead of: "I can't do this it’s too hard", say: "I can do this by breaking it down into smaller steps"

Rather than: "They are doing better than me, I’m a failure," consider: "I admire their success, what can I learn from them?"

Don't tell yourself: "I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have made that mistake", remind yourself: "I was doing the best I could at the time. What could I do differently next time?"

Don't say: "I hate the way I look.", instead remind yourself: "My body lets me do the things I love and my appearance doesn’t define my self worth."

Instead of: "I should be further ahead than I am now, say "I’m on my own journey, what can I do today to move closer to my goals?"

Try and start talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Would you dream of talking to them in the way you talk to yourself? I thought not. If you wouldn’t say it to them, then you shouldn’t be saying it to yourself.

Now it's time for your homework: write down one unhelpful thought you have had today and see if you can change it into something more helpful.

Philippa Saunders is a Thrive Coach based in Knutsford. Find her on Instagram @thrive.with.philippa and on Facebook at thrivewithphilippa