Sue Limb: My plan for a better Britain

'My defence policy revolves around repelling invaders. Nasty invaders, obviously' (photo: Filip Sram

'My defence policy revolves around repelling invaders. Nasty invaders, obviously' (photo: Filip Sramek/Getty Images) - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

‘People will be determined to be happy. And they’ll be polite, because politeness has tragically gone from our land, accompanied by a brutal monstering of language’

Everybody's been publishing manifestos recently, so here's mine. And a warning: my recent visit to the prehistoric caves in the Dordogne have influenced my thinking. Don't tell me you can't turn back the clock. Look at what happened in America.

First of all everybody's going to get rid of their nuclear weapons. (Don't worry, there are going to be lovely eco-friendly weapons: more of that in a minute.) Putin and Trump will agree to flush all their warheads down the lavatory. No, wait, that could cause inconvenience further down the line. Are nuclear weapons biodegradable? We thought we were so clever, inventing them, and now this.

I read somewhere that the half life of plutonium is 24,000 years. Mine feels a bit like that sometimes. Anyway, we'll get rid of them somehow. What I usually do is stuff things in a carrier bag and stash them in the bottom of my wardrobe. That could work, surely, if we all play our part? Above all we've got to keep the horrid nuclear stuff out of the sea. I can't bear any further cruelty to turtles.

My defence policy revolves around repelling invaders. Nasty invaders, obviously. We'll welcome innocent, deserving invaders with a graceful bow and a plate of chips. At the first hint of a nasty invasion we'll line up on the white cliffs of Dover, pull our trousers down and fart and twerk them away. They'll soon get the message.

That's got the defence policy out of the way. We won't disband the forces though, because the sight of them marching up and down in uniform, to the stirring sound of military bands, always makes me cry. Not sure why I cry, but I obscurely enjoy it.

So the army will devote their time to looking after people's arms. Mine, for instance, need a daily application of moisturiser, and the arrival of a handsome young man in uniform to apply it would make it less of a chore. The air force would go around opening windows, feeding the birds, sweeping up leaves. The navy will be in charge of maintaining swimming pools, paddling pools and garden ponds. They could even help old women out of the bath, she thought with a wicked gleam in her eye. That's the forces sorted.

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Now we come to the economy. It's all gone wrong, obviously. There are rich people and poor people, which is clearly not only a crime but also a sin. Remember what Jesus said? "It is easier for a rich man to get through the eye of a needle...". Or was it something to do with a camel? Sorry, I'll have to look that up and get back to you.

Anyway, I have the solution. Abolish money. Tribes in the Amazon and New Guinea just don't bother with it, although the not-to-be-confused multi-national emporium Amazon hasn't yet managed the transition I hear. Anyway, we abolish money and instead our currency is fingernail clippings. No, wait. Unscrupulous people might keep slaves, feeding them lots of tuna and eggs to make their fingernails grow quickly, and subject them to forced fingernail-clipping every fortnight.

Forgive me - parts of my manifesto are still in development. I'm trying to think of something disposable we all have, which could take the place of money. Something we could easily part with. No, don't even go there! I'm finished with lavatories for this column.

Barter is the answer. Maybe we don't need a money substitute. We just need to evaluate the usefulness of things. I'm sure if went into Sainsbury's and offered a slightly frayed facecloth in exchange for a packet of cream crackers, they'd happily oblige.

Because in my better Britain people will be determined to be happy. And they'll be polite, because politeness has tragically gone from our land, accompanied by a brutal monstering of language. Yes, people will be polite, or I'll smash their effing faces in.

Good heavens! Creating a Better Britain is tiring. I'm going for a lie down now. I'll get around to travel and transport next time. It revolves around terriers and donkeys, which I'm sure you agree will be delightful.

Follow Sue on Twitter at @sue_limb

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