From an ageing Santa to an innocent robin under attack despite years of charity work, Aunt Sue has the answer to all your seasonal problems
As Christmas is such a familiar source of angst, I’m setting myself up as Ozleworth’s Agony Aunt. Here are some of the problems I’m dealing with this year…
Dear Aunt Sue,
I’m afraid my father may be overdoing it. He’s always been the life and soul of the party, and the number of mince pies and glasses of booze he can get through is legendary, but to be honest I’m starting to dread the festive season. His visual acuity isn’t what it was – in fact, last year he had a flat reindeer and never even noticed – and I’m not sure a man of his age should be slithering about on frosty roofs, let alone sliding down chimneys and meddling with children’s clothing in strangers’ houses. The health and safety issues, let alone the child protection implications, frankly terrify me. What do you advise?
– Anita Claus.
Dear Anita,
What kind of daughter are you, letting your poor old dad struggle on year after year in freezing temperatures? Book him in to a swish Barbados hotel for the duration, get yourself a cute white-and-red skating skirt adorned with pom-poms and tell your PR company that from now on, they’re selling Daughter Christmas. So Post-Modern!
- Oh, and mine’s a Guerlain.
Aunt Sue.
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Dear Aunt Sue,
I feel I’m being stereotyped as a goody-goody, whiter-than-white angelic little bore. I hate being put on a pedestal and having everybody think I’m above all the guzzling and nuzzling that goes on at Christmas. I wanna get down and dirty with the rude boys this year and release my inner tart. Please help!
Love, The Fairy on Top of the Christmas Tree.
Dear Fairy,
Frankly, anyone wearing white satin shoes and masses of virginal lace is going to struggle to establish raunchy credentials. But there’s always San Francisco. You might find dozens of similarly dressed ‘rude boys’ there who could help you address your issues. I’d suggest you re-locate immediately as, once you’ve been top of the tree, the only way is down.
I wish you good luck.
Aunt Sue.
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Dear Aunt Sue,
My boyfriend always overdoes the present-giving and it’s kind of hard to keep up. Last year he bought me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. What can I get him in return which will be a reasonable gift, but which might make him think a bit more deeply about the Real Meaning of Christmas?
Regards,
Sheila.
Dear Sheila,
A Rolex.
Regards,
Aunt Sue
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Dear Aunt Sue,
There’s this bloke round our way who thinks he’s it. What a bighead! Always preening and posing – showing off his red breast and puffing himself up for photos. All his admirers dote on him. If they could only see him in private: using foul birdsong and even resorting to birdily violence. We rare winter visitors get a bad press whilst Lord Muck soaks up all the glory. How can we take him down a peg or two?
Yrs, The Grey-Backed Shrike (Endangered).
Dear Shrike,
I’m so sorry to hear you’re endangered, but jealousy’s not a very attractive quality, you know. Robin (who’s a great friend of mine, by the way) has done hours of charity card work. We’re hardly going to replace his cheery twinkliness with a merciless grey-backed predator who impales his victims on thorn bushes – naming no names. So I suggest you sort out your own anger management issues before you start taking pot shots at a national treasure!
Kind regards,
Aunt Sue.
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For more from Sue Limb, follow her on Twitter: @Sue_Limb
