Do you often worry and think about things in intricate detail? Our mental wellbeing expert, Philippa Saunders, has some sound advice
Maybe you second-guess decisions you have made? Fixate on things you can’t control? Replay uncomfortable conversations you’ve had with people or mistakes you have made over again?
“What if I said the wrong thing?” “What if they don’t like me?” “What if I got that wrong?”
If you often find yourself in a never-ending spiral of ‘what-ifs’, you're probably over-thinking. But don't worry. You're not alone. Research indicates around three-quarters of 25-35 year-olds do exactly the same, along with more than half of 45-55 year-olds.
It’s hard to think of a more universal cause of stress, anxiety and insomnia than overthinking. It’s a driving force that stops us from thriving.
Our brains are impressive processors and careful analysis of our decisions does improve some choices. But getting caught up analysing every potential outcome causes excessive worrying which in turn causes decision paralysis. Overthinking (or brooding) then maintains the very symptoms that you are trying to resolve. It keeps you absorbed in your worries and you end up not taking the correct action to solve the problem.
You are also less likely to use coping skills to deal with problems or stressful life events, compared to those people that don’t brood.
People often view it as part of their personality, something that is fixed and unchangeable, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Overthinking is just a habitual style of thinking, so becomes a bad habit that you repeat. However, telling yourself to stop overthinking is about as effective as telling yourself not to think about a pink elephant.
(Guess what just popped into your head?)
Overthinking is a behaviour – it is something we ‘do’. Habits stick for a reason so changing them begins with understanding what you tend to overthink in the first place.
For most people that chronically overthink, it developed early in life and usually because it was a way of dealing with difficult or scary experiences. You might have experienced inconsistent or over-controlling parents. If you had an alcoholic parent, worrying a lot about them coming home drunk might have kept you out of harm's way. For lots of people, painful emotions (sadness, guilt) have become triggers for unhealthy rumination.
Overthinking is all about control. As humans, we hate feeling helpless. If someone we care about is suffering, we naturally want to help but our ability to help others is often more limited than we’d like. When we can’t do anything to help, we often worry and ruminate a lot. Thinking can feel helpful, right? Overthinking gives us the illusion of control and stops us from feeling so helpless.
Us humans don’t like uncertainty either. We like to know how things are going to unfold and avoid uncertainty at all costs. We resort to overthinking as a form of denial about the prospect of uncertainty.
Unfortunately, there are long term costs. Overthinking and anxiety go together like bread and butter. Low self-esteem is another consequence, and stress and overwhelm result from not feeling able to shut off our thoughts.
Ways to stop overthinking
It can feel like thoughts just ‘pop’ into your head, but this is not the case. 90% of our thoughts are subconscious, so the likelihood is that you just haven’t been aware of what is going on behind the scenes. Behind every unhelpful thought, there is a limiting belief (something that prevents you from being happy or achieving in life).
When you identify what you overthink, remind yourself that you are just in the habit of overthinking. You can start to address this by challenging yourself when you do
Try to work out what the limiting belief is behind the unhelpful rumination (for example: “I can’t cope if that happens”, “I’m not good enough”). Note: this can be tricky if you are not in the habit of being self-aware.
Recognise that the habit of worrying that may have helped keep you safe as a child might not be a useful strategy now. Ask yourself: “Is this helping reduce my stress and anxiety now?”
Learning to tolerate and be comfortable with not being able to control things is a very important way of reducing overthinking. Have the courage to live with uncertainty.
Remember, how much you think about something is a choice. We mainly overthink when we believe that we can’t handle a situation (when we feel powerless) so working on your beliefs about being able to cope mitigates the need for overthinking.
When you spot the “What if….” thinking, focus on what you can control about that situation. Give yourself a plan and say instead “What I’m going to do if (X) happens is this ...”.
Overthinking is not who you are, it’s just what you’re doing and you can change that.
Philippa Saunders is a licensed ThriveR Coach based in Knutsford. You can find her on Instagram @thrive.with.philippa and Facebook @thrivewithphilippa
